["Donkey: Man, you are a cat-tastrophe.\nPuss in Boots: And you, are ri-donk-ulous.\n[Both laugh]","Butterpants: Do the roar!","Shrek: [to Fiona; while disappearing since his \"day\" is almost over] You know what the best part of today was? I got the chance to fall in love with you all over again.","Shrek: You know, I always thought I'd rescued you from the Dragon's Keep.\nPrincess Fiona: You did.\nShrek: No. It was you who rescued me.","Shrek: Fiona, I know everything about you, I know you sing so beautifully that birds explode. I know that when you sign your name, you put a heart over the i. I know that when you see a shooting star you cross your fingers on both hands, squinch up your nose, and you make a wish, I know that you don't like the covers wrapped around your feet, and I know that you sleep by candlelight because every time you close your eyes, you're afraid you're going to wake up back in that tower, But most importantly Fiona, I know that the reason that you turn human every day is because you've never been kissed, well, by me.","Princess Fiona: And when the smoke clears... Wait, what's this?\nCookie: That's my chimichanga stand.\nPrincess Fiona: Um, no, Cookie. We won't be needing that.\nCookie: Trust me, Fiona. Y'all gonna be really hungry after this ambush, OK? Now go and finish your little speech.","Donkey: Are my kids cute or do they make people uncomfortable?","Shrek: Okay, I know you don't remember me but we're married, and at the birthday party with some pigs and a puppet, the villagers wanted me to sign their pitchforks and this boy kept saying 'do the roar! do the roar!' Then I punched the cake that the pigs ate, and the next thing I knew, my donkey fell in your waffle hole.","Shrek: [upon seeing the obese Puss] Puss, what happened to you? You got so fa...\n[Puss gives a stinky look]\nShrek: fa... ncy!\nPuss in Boots: Do I know you?\nShrek: Where's your hat? Where's your belt? Your wee little boots?\nPuss in Boots: Boots? For a cat? Ha!\nShrek: But you're Puss in Boots.\nPuss in Boots: Maybe once. But that is a name I have outgrown.\nShrek: That's not the only thing you've outgrown.\nPuss in Boots: Hey! I may have let myself go a little since my retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life. I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase.\n[a mouse runs up and drinks from Puss' bowl]\nPuss in Boots: Eh. I'll get him later.","Donkey: Help! I'm being assnapped!","Shrek: There's a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest! Don't you find that a wee bit suspicious?","[Rumpelstiltskin licks a plate from the garbage; Shrek storms outside; Fiona follows him; Rumpelstiltskin hides behind a barrel]\nPrincess Fiona: Unbelievable.\nShrek: Tell me about it! Those villagers--!\nPrincess Fiona: I'm not talking about the villagers, Shrek. I'm talking about you. Is this *really* how you want to remember the kids' first birthday?\nShrek: Oh, great, so this is all *my* fault?\nPrincess Fiona: Yes! But, you know what? Let's talk about this *after* the party, at home.\nShrek: You mean that roadside attraction we live in? \"Step right up! See the dancing ogre! Don't worry, he won't bite!\" I *used* to be an ogre! Now, I'm just a jolly green joke!\nPrincess Fiona: OK, OK, maybe you're not... the ogre you used to be, but maybe that's not such a bad thing.\nShrek: Ah, I wouldn't expect *you* to understand. It's not like you're a *real* ogre. You spent half your life in a palace.\nPrincess Fiona: And the other half locked away in a tower.\nShrek: [sighs] Look, all I want is for things to go back to the way they used to be. Back when villagers were afraid of me and I could take a mud bath in peace! When I could do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it! Back when the world made sense!\nPrincess Fiona: You mean, back before you rescued me from the Dragon's Keep?\nShrek: Exactly!\nPrincess Fiona: [stares at Shrek in shock] Shrek. You have three beautiful children. A wife who loves you. Friends who adore you. You have everything. Why is it the only person who can't see that is you?\n[opens the door, looks back at Shrek, shakes her head and goes inside]\nShrek: That's just great.\n[marches off; Rumpelstiltskin comes out of hiding and smiles evilly]","Puss in Boots: Feed me, if you dare.","Donkey: And I thought the waffle fairy was just a bedtime story!","Shrek: Sorry, but this order's to go.\nCookie: But I haven't taken out his gibblets yet.\nShrek: Trust me, you don't want to eat this one.\nDonkey: I go down smooth, but I come out fightin'!","Brogan: Welcome to the Resistance, brother.\nShrek: Resistance?\nBrogan: We fight for justice, and for oppressed ogres everywhere!\n[Holds his nose and blows, and his ears trumpet; the other ogres follow suit]\nShrek: I didn't know we could do that.","Donkey: Why don't you just tell her what you told me? You know, about how you're her true love and you came from an alternate universe.\nShrek: Oh, and while I'm at it, why don't I tell her that you're married to a fire-breathing dragon and you have little mutant donkey dragon babies?\nDonkey: I do?\nShrek: You saw what happened. She's going to think I'm crazy.\nDonkey: I'm a daddy?","Rumpelstiltskin: You're not going to eat me?\nShrek: I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast.","Donkey: You know what would pick up the morale in here? Flip-flop Fridays. You can feel the breeze in your toes.","Puss in Boots: I am not believing what I have just witnessed. Back there, you and Fiona. There was a spark; a spark inside her heart I thought was long extinguished. It was as if, for one moment, Fiona had actually found her true love!\nShrek: I am her true love. I ended her curse.\nPuss in Boots: You know of her curse?\nShrek: \"By day, one way, by night another. This shall be the norm. Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form.\"\nPuss in Boots: You even know the little rhyme! It is true! You are the one! You must prove it to her!\nShrek: How?\nPuss in Boots: Convince her! Go to her when she's alone and tell her something that only her true love would know.\nDonkey: [popping out of his hiding spot] Know about what?\n[startled, Puss jumps back and hisses]\nDonkey: Whoo, that's a whole lot of kitty! Shrek, can we keep him?","Rumpelstiltskin: I got to say, Shrek, I envy you. To live the life of an ogre; no worries, no responsibilities. You are free to pillage and terrorize as you please.\nShrek: Free? Oh, that's a laugh.\nRumpelstiltskin: Oh, yeah?\nShrek: Sometimes I wish I had just one day to feel like a real ogre again.\nRumpelstiltskin: Well, why didn't you say so? Magical transactions are my specialty!","Pinocchio: [Rumpelstiltskin tore out pages of a book] Uh, sir? You're gonna have to pay for that.\nRumpelstiltskin: Um, m-m-maybe we can make a deal for it, little boy?\nPinocchio: Oh, I'm not a real boy.\nRumpelstiltskin: [smiling wickedly] Do you want to be?\n[gets evicted from the library]\nPinocchio: Nobody needs YOUR deals anymore, Grumpel Stinkypants!\nRumpelstiltskin: [glares at a torn page with Shrek on it, lividly] I wish that ogre was never born!","Donkey: I'm a daddy?","Donkey: Please eat my face last and send my hooves to my momma!","Rumpelstiltskin: Nobody's smart but me!","Butterpants: Do the roar!\nShrek: [unenthusiastically] Roar.\nButterpants: I don't like it.","Shrek: [learning there's a way to void his deal with Rumpel] Donkey, I've read the fine print and there's nothing about an exit clause in here.\nDonkey: Well, you didn't expect him to make it easy for you. Here, let me show you how it's done. I didn't spend all that time around them witches without picking up a few tricks. Your tiny little ogre brain couldn't begin to comprehend the complexity of my polygonic foldability skills.\nShrek: What are you doing?\nDonkey: Hey, I can't get my origami on unless you back off. Thank you.\n[folding the contract over itself]\nDonkey: Okay, here's what you got to do. You got to fold this piece here... make this letter match up here... and bring this corner here like this... and if you do it just right, it will show you what to do. There!\n[showing him the finished product]\nDonkey: \"Try Lou's Bliss.\"\n[awkward silence]\nDonkey: Man, who's Lou?\nShrek: Give me that!\n[re-folding it]\nShrek: \"True love's kiss.\"\nDonkey: [looking at him suspiciously] Hey. Boy, you gonna have to take me to dinner first.","Rumpelstiltskin: I don't know, not much of a storybook ending. The noble Shrek turns himself in to save a bunch of filthy ogres.\nShrek: All that matters is that they're free and Fiona is safe.\nRumpelstiltskin: Aw, I bet Fiona would be really touched to hear that. But, hey... I guess you can tell her yourself.\nShrek: [seeing her chained up] Fiona! Stiltskin, we had a deal! You agreed to free all ogres!\nRumpelstiltskin: Oh, yeah. But Fiona isn't all ogre, is she? \"By day, one way, by night, another.\" Blardy, blardy, blar.","Shrek: So what day *would* I have to give up?\nRumpelstiltskin: [carving a rat] Oh, I don't know, any day. A day from your past. How about the day you had the flu? A day you lost a pet?\n[resentfully and faster]\nRumpelstiltskin: A day some meddling oaf stuck his big nose where it didn't belong, destroying your business and ruining your life?\n[the knife shatters the plate, calming down]\nRumpelstiltskin: Just for an example.","Donkey: Put a little mustard on mine, Captain Crazy!","Donkey: Yeah! Waffles! And I thought the Waffle Fairy was just a bedtime story! Sticky stacks of golden syrupy deliciousness!\nShrek: Donkey! Don't eat that!\n[Donkey groans]\nShrek: There's a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest. Don't you find that a wee bit suspicious?","Shrek: If I didn't save Fiona... then who did?","Shrek: [after an attempt to break Rumpel's curse doesn't work] I don't understand. This doesn't make any sense. True love's kiss was supposed to fix everything!\nPrincess Fiona: Yeah, you know what? That's what they told me, too. True love didn't get me out of that tower. I did. I saved myself. Don't you get it? It's all just a big fairy tale.\nShrek: Fiona, don't say that. It does exist!\nPrincess Fiona: And how would you know? Did you grow up locked away in a dragon's keep? Did you live all alone in a miserable tower? Did you cry yourself to sleep every night waiting for a true love that never came?\nShrek: But... but I'm your true love.\nPrincess Fiona: Then where were you when I needed you?\nDonkey: [Fiona leaves] Maybe you kissed her wrong?\nShrek: No. The kiss didn't work... because Fiona doesn't love me.","Donkey: I've never seen an ogre cry.\nShrek: I'm not crying.\nDonkey: It's nothing to be ashamed of. I mean, I cry all the time. Just thinking about my grandma, or thinking about baby kittens, or... or my grandma kissing a baby kitten... or a little baby grandma kitten.\n[tearing up and sobbing]","Shrek: I was tricked into signing something I shouldn't have.\nDonkey: Oh, you signed up for one of them time-shares, huh?","Shrek: [figuring out how to break his contract with Rumpel] If Fiona and I share true love's kiss, I will get my life back!\nDonkey: [jumping out of his arms] Okay! This isn't a petting zoo! So where is this Fiona?\nShrek: Well, that's just it, you see. I don't know.\nDonkey: You know, when I lose something, I always try to retrace my steps. So, uh, where did you leave her last?\nShrek: The last time I saw her... I told her I wished I'd never rescued her.\n[realizing where she is]\nShrek: Oh, no.\nDonkey: [cut to them approaching the castle] Shrek? Shrek! Shrek, no, wait! Wait, Shrek! What, are you crazy? That's the Dragon's Keep! They keep dragons in there!","Shrek: You witches are making a BIG MISTAKE! I've known my rights!\nPumpkin Witch: You have the right to SHUT YOUR MOUTH!\n[throws a pumpkin at Shrek's mouth]","Rumpelstiltskin: [rolls out a contract] As you can see, everything's in order.\nKing: So you'll put an end... to our daughter's curse?\nRumpelstiltskin: And in return, you sign the kingdom of Far, Far Away over to me.\n[thunder and lightning flash outside; Harold gasps; Fifi hisses; Harold turns to his wife]\nKing: Lillian, this is madness!\nQueen: What choice do we have, Harold? Fiona has been locked away in that tower far too long.\nRumpelstiltskin: It's not like she's, uh, getting any younger.\nKing: But to sign over our entire kingdom?\nRumpelstiltskin: [slowly slides the contract away] Well, if your kingdom's worth more to you than your daughter...\nKing: [slams his open palm down onto the contract] Nothing! Is worth more to us than our daughter.","Rumpelstiltskin: [narrating] Once upon a time a long time ago, a king and a queen had a beautiful daughter named Fiona. But she was possessed by a terrible curse. By day, a lovely princess; by night, a hideous ogre. Only true love's kiss would lift her curse. So Fiona waited in a tower, guarded by a dragon, until the day when her true love would arrive. But as the days turned into years, the King and Queen were forced to resort to more desperate measures.","Donkey: [singing \"Tomorrow\"] Tomorrow , Tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow... .\nShrek: [while Donkey is singing] Donkey, where am I? What's happening?\nWagon Witch #1: Quiet down there! Oh, I hate this song\n[whips Donkey]\nDonkey: [starts singing part of \"Papa don't preach\"] But I made up my mind, I'm keeping my baby...\nWagon Witch #2: Yeah, I'm driving, so, uh, I'm in charge of the music\n[whips Donkey]\nDonkey: Hey, will you witches make up your mind, please?","Cookie: Cookie's bringing the heat out of the kitchen!"]