["Prince Charming: You! You can't lie! So tell me puppet... where... is... Shrek?\nPinocchio: Uh. Hmm, well, uh, I don't know where he's not\nPrince Charming: You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is?\nPinocchio: It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say that it is or isn't almost partially incorrect.\nPrince Charming: So you do know where he is!\nPinocchio: On the contrary. I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way with any amount of uncertainty that I undeniably\nPrince Charming: Stop it!\nPinocchio: ...do or do not know where he shouldn't probably be, if that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't at where I knew he was\n[Pigs and Gingerbread Man begin singing]\nPinocchio: That'd mean I'd really have to know where he wasn't.","Donkey: Alright people, let's do this thing. Go Team Dynamite!\nPinocchio: But I thought we agreed we'd go by the name Team Super-cool.\nGingerbread Man: As I recall, it was Team Awesome.\nWolf: I voted for Team Alpha Wolf Squadron.\nDonkey: Alright, alright, alright. From henceforth, we're all to be known as Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynamite Wolf Squadron.","Snow White: Right! Ladies, assume the position!\n[Sleeping Beauty falls asleep, Snow White lies down in her coffin pose, and Cinderella seats herself on the floor gazing dreamily into space]\nPrincess Fiona: What are you doing?\nSleeping Beauty: [Snaps awake] Waiting to be rescued.\n[falls back asleep]","Shrek: I can't believe I'm going to be a father. How did this happened?\nPuss in Boots: Allow me to explain. When a man falls in love with a woman, he is overcome with powerful urges...\nShrek: I know how it happened! I just can't believe it.\nDonkey: [to Puss] How does it happen?","Snow White: Rapunzel, Rapunzel. Let down your golden extension.","Cinderella: [after hearing the Puss and Donkey speak after changing bodies] I don't get it.\nSnow White: The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get?","Puss in Boots: How can you be a reciever of the wedgies, when you are clearly not a wearer of the underpants?\nDonkey: Let's just say some things are better left unsaid.","Shrek: Listen, Artie. Eh, if you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screamin' is, yo, check out this kazing thazing, bazaby! I mean if it doesn't groove or what I'm sayin' ain't straight trippin' just say, \"Oh, no you di'n't! You know, you're gettin' on my last nerve.\" And then I'll know it's... then I'll - I'll know it's wack!\n[Shrek gets hit in the face with a branch that Artie had evidently pulled back]\nArtie: Somebody help! I've been kidnapped by a monster who's trying to relate to me!\n[knocks on the door of a tree incessantly]\nArtie: Knock, knock. Hello! Hello!\n[a holograph of Merlin emits from a crystal a few feet adjacent to the door]\nMerlin: Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare-\n[the holograph cuts off. Merlin comes out the front door and says]\nMerlin: I knew I should have got that warranty.","Donkey: [Reading Sign] Wer-sestor-shiray? Sounds fancy!\nShrek: No, it's Worcestershire.\nDonkey: Like the Sauce? Spicy!","Snow White: I'm sorry but this isn't working for me.\nSleeping Beauty: It's not like your attitude is helping, Snow.\nSnow White: You're just jealous that I was voted fairest in the land.\nRapunzel: Oh, you mean in that rigged election?\nSnow White: You're one to talk. \"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy golden extensions.\"\nQueen Lillian: Ladies, let go of your petty complaints and let's work together.","Puss in Boots: [after switching bodies with Donkey] hee haw.\nDonkey: Oh, you'll learn to control that!","Shrek: [after the royal page comes into the bedroom just as he was about to kiss Fiona] Someone had better be dying.\n[cuts to everyone in the King's bedroom]\nKing Harold: I'm dying...","Sleeping Beauty: Who dat?","Guinevere: Ahem. This is like totally embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly and she thought perchance thou would want to ask her to the homecoming dance or something.\nShrek: Excuse me?\nGuinevere: It's like whatever. She's just totally into college guys and mythical creatures and stuff.","Captain Hook: [looming over a young boy threateningly with his hook] Well, well, Peter Pan!\nMother: His name's not Peter!\nCaptain Hook: Shut it, Wendy.","Puss in Boots: If he were real, could I do this?\n[Digs claws into Shrek's leg, Shrek tries to hold in his pain]\nShrek: Ah! Oww!\nDonkey: Or this?\n[Kicks Shrek's other leg, Shrek moans]\nShrek: If it were real, that would have been agonizingly painful.\nDonkey: Now watch this!\nShrek: [Restrains Donkey and Puss] That's quite enough, boys!","Donkey: [Hook's men wheel his piano in during the fight] Look out! They got a piano!","Shrek: Excuse me can you ladies tell me where to find...\nGuinevere: Ugh, totally ew-eth.\nTiffany: Totally.","Donkey: [Donkey and Puss in Boots have switched bodies] I've been abra-cadabra'd into a Fancy Feasting second-rate sidekick!\nPuss in Boots: At least you don't look like a bloated roadside piñata. You really need to go on a diet.\nDonkey: And you really need to get yourself a pair of pants! I feel all exposed and nasty!","Donkey: [seeing Shrek naked in the bed] Aahh! You know, you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies!","Puss in Boots: [after Shrek throws Donkey out the door] Some people just don't understand boundaries.\n[Shrek then throws Puss out. Puss does his cat screech, then the eyes]","Puss in Boots: [Puss says to Shrek as the ship leaves] Well my friend, you are royally...\n[loud horn blast]","Queen Lillian: Hi-yah!\n[smashes wall with her head]\nPrincess Fiona: Mom.\nQueen Lillian: What? You didn't think you inherited your fighting skills from your father?","Artie: [convincing Merlin to help them get back to Far Far Away]\n[weeping like a troubled teen]\nArtie: It's just so hard, you know? They really need to get back, 'cause their kingdom's in trouble, 'cause there's a really bad man... and it's just so hard!\nMerlin: Come on, take it easy!\nArtie: No! I don't think you understand!\n[collapses at Merlin's feet]\nArtie: There's a mean person doing mean things to good people\nShrek: Oh, have a heart, old man\nArtie: And they really need your help to get them back! So why won't you help them?\n[collapses and sobs inaudibly]\nMerlin: [awkwardly] Oh, ok... Um, I'll go and get my things\nArtie: [stands up and clears his throat]\n[to Shrek]\nArtie: Piece of cake.","Merlin: [meditating] I'm a buzzing bee... buzz, buzz, buzz...\nArtie: Mr. Merlin? They...\n[gestures to Shrek and crew, but stops short]\nArtie: ... *we* really need your help. Do you think you can use your magic to transport us to...\nMerlin: [interrupting] Sorry, kid, I don't do that stuff anymore. How about a hug? That's the best kind of magic there is!","Donkey: What in the shestershire is this place?\nShrek: Well, my stomach's aching and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school.","Princess Fiona: [after learning that Rapunzel is dating Prince Charming] Rapunzel! How could you?\nRapunzel: Jealous, much?","Shrek: Good morning.\nPrincess Fiona: Good morning. Ooh, morning breath.\nShrek: Yeah. Isn't it wonderful?","Shrek: Good morning.\nPrincess Fiona: Good morning. Ooh, morning breath.\nShrek: Yeah. Isn't it wonderfulShrek: And if he gives me any trouble, I can always use reason and persuasion.\n[Lifts up left fist]\nShrek: Here's reason...\n[Lifts up right fist]\nShrek: ... and here's persuasion.","Ship Captain: [in a menacing growl] You're finished.\n[Shrek, Puss in Boots, and Donkey turn and stare]\nShip Captain: [apologetically] Heh... with your journey.\n[points to land]","Gingy: [At Fiona's baby shower, giving her a baby carrier] The baby's gonna love it because I do!","Artie: You know, Shrek, you're all right. You just need to do a little less yelling, and use more soap.\nShrek: Thanks, Artie.\nArtie: The soap is because you stink. Really bad.\nShrek: Yeah, I got that.","Puss in Boots: [talking to a female kitten] It's out of my hands, senorita. The winds of fate have blown on my destiny. But I will never forget you. You are the love of my life.\nFemale kitty cat: Meeaow.\nPuss in Boots: [to several kitty cats] As are you... And, uh, you... And, oops, you... And I... err... I don't know you but I'd like to.\nA bunch of female kitty cats: Meeaow.\nPuss in Boots: I gotta go!","Evil Tree #2: That's easy for you to say! You're not a haunted tree!\nEvil Tree #1: I think what Steve is trying to say is that it's not easy to come by honest work when the whole world is against you.\nEvil Tree #2: Yes! Thank you, Ed!","Sleeping Beauty: Everything always about you, it's not like your additude is helping Snow.\nSnow White: Well maybe it just bothers you that I was voted fairest in the land.","Shrek: [to Charming] Those are some nice leotards, though\nPrince Charming: Oh, thank you.\nShrek: Do they have those in men's sizes?\n[audience laughs]","Artie: And so, people, I hope you enjoy your stay in prison, while I rule the free world, baby!\nShrek: All right, don't overdo it.\nArtie: I'm building my city, people, on rock 'n' roll!\nShrek: You just overdid it.","Shrek: Break a leg. On second thought, let me break it for you.","Donkey: [Having just fallen from the sky] I haven't had a trip that bad since college!","Artie: Please don't eat me.\nCrowd: Eat him! Eat him!...\nShrek: I'm not here to eat him.\nCrowd: [Disappointed] Aww!","Gingy: [to Prince Charming] The only thing you're ever gonna be king of, is king of the stupids!","Puss in Boots: The Frog King is dead.","Artie: If there's something you want to do, or someone you really want to be, then the only one standing in your way... is you.\nRumplestiltskin: Me?\nGuard #1: Get him, lads!","Headless Horseman: I've always wanted to play the flute.","Girl: I'd rather get the black plague and lock myself in an iron maiden than go out with him.","Shrek: Fiona, try to be reasonable. Have you seen a baby lately? All they do is eat and poop, and then they cry, and they cry when they poop, and poop when they cry. Now imagine an *ogre* baby. They extra cry, and they extra poop.","Cinderella: [whispering to Fiona about her present] It's for the poopies!\nSleeping Beauty: Ew! Wait, babies poop?\nRapunzel: Everybody poops, Beauty!","Doris: I know he's a jerk and everything but I gotta admit that Charming makes me hotter than July.\nSleeping Beauty, Rapunzel: Ewww!","Donkey: [to Shrek and Fiona] Good Morning, good morning... To you, and you and youuuuu.","Puss in Boots: I don't know you, but I'd like to.","[student stumbles out of trailer]\nStudent: Dude, don't burn all my Frankincense and Myrrh.","Merlin: Can I interest anyone in a snack or beverage?","[first lines]\nPrince Charming: Onward, Chauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower, where my princess awaits rescue by the handsome Prince Charming!","Gingerbread Man: Ew! This is worse than Love Letters. I hate dinner theater.\nPinocchio: Me too.\n[his nose grows]","Donkey: They grow up so fast.\nShrek: Not fast enough.","Artie: Did you say you were looking for Arthur?\nPuss in Boots: That information is on a need to know basis.\nDonkey: It's top secret. Hushity-hush.","Mabel: What do you want, Charming?\nPrince Charming: Oh, not much. Just a chance at redemption... and a fuzzy navel.","Shrek: If Artie trusts him, I trust him, even *if* his cloak doesn't completely cover his...","Merlin: Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex.","Merlin: Now, look into the fire and tell me what you see.\nDonkey: Ooh, charades! Okay, I see a Dutch fudge torte with cinnamon swirls!\nMerlin: Okay, monster. Go for it.\n[Shrek looks into the smoke, sees a baby carriage; tries to blow it away]\nShrek: Uh... I see a rainbow pony.","Lancelot: Artie a King? More like mayor of Loserville.","Shrek: [to Artie shortly after they crash the boat] If you think this is getting you out of anything, well it isn't! We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another! And you're gonna be a father!\nArtie: [Sounding confused] What?\nDonkey: [to Shrek] You just said father!\nShrek: [to Artie] I said... king, you're gonna be king!\nArtie: [Imitating Shrek] You're gonna be king!\n[Reverts back to his normal voice]\nArtie: Yeah, right!","Prince Charming: I am the rightful King of Far Far Away!","Prince Charming: This was supposed to be *my* Happily Ever After!\nShrek: Well, I guess you need to keep looking, because I'm not giving up mine.","Doris: [while distracting the enemy guards] Hey! How's it going?","Puss in Boots: We've got to save her!\nDonkey: But she's so far, far away!","Princess Fiona: Hi honey. Sorry we're late. You okay?\nShrek: Much better, now that you're here.","Shrek: That's right, I'm the new mascot. So let's really try and beat the other guys at whatever it is they are doing!","Princess Fiona: [feeling her stomach] Shrek!\nShrek: [calling out to her] Yeah?\nPrincess Fiona: Wait!\nShrek: What is it?\nPrincess Fiona: [taking a deep breath] I'm... I'm...\n[but was cut off by the ship captain's fog horn]\nShrek: [laughs] I love you too, honey!\nPrincess Fiona: No! No, I said I'm-\n[cut off by the fog horn again]\nShrek: [grabs the fog horn from the captain, and throws it overboard] You're what?\nPrincess Fiona: I said I'm pregnant!\n[the fairytale creatures cheer]\nShrek: [can't believe his ears] Oh... what was that?\nPrincess Fiona: You're going to be a father!\nShrek: [nervous laugh] That's great.\nPrincess Fiona: Really? I'm glad you think so! I love you!\nShrek: [smiles back at Fiona] Yeah...\n[nervous laugh]\nShrek: Me, too.","Princess Fiona: Okay, girls, from here on out, we're gonna take care of business ourselves.","Puss in Boots: Okay, peoples. This isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle!\nDonkey: Smiles, everyone! Smiles!","King Harold: [coughs] I'm dying...\nQueen Lillian: Harold.\nKing Harold: Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian.\nQueen Lillian: Of course, darling.\nKing Harold: Fiona...\nPrincess Fiona: Yes, Daddy?\nKing Harold: I know I made many mistakes with you.\nPrincess Fiona: It's okay.\nKing Harold: But your love for Shrek has taught me so much.\n[to Shrek]\nKing Harold: My dear boy, I'm proud to call you my son.\nShrek: And I'm proud to call you my Frog... King dad-in-law.","Cinderella: Oh, Fiona, won't you please open mine first? It's the one in front.\nPrincess Fiona: [reads the card] \"Congratulations on your new mess maker...\" oh, 'mess maker.'\n[laughs]\nPrincess Fiona: \"Hopefully this helps. Love, Cinderella.\"","[at Fiona's baby shower, a group of birds gently place a flowered wreath on Fiona's head]\nCinderella: Stunning.\nSnow White: Look at you.\nRapunzel: Wow.\nSnow White: Look you darling.\nSleeping Beauty: Just precious. Look at her.\nRapunzel: So, have you had any cravings since you've been pregnant?\nPrincess Fiona: [with her mouth full of cake] No, not at all.\n[sniffs]\nPrincess Fiona: Do you smell ham?","Shrek: I don't know how much longer I can keep this up Fiona.\nPrincess Fiona: I'm sorry, Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better.\n[Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh]\nPrincess Fiona: Shrek?\nShrek: Yeah.\nPrincess Fiona: You look handsome.\nShrek: Ah. Come here, you.\n[she gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles back. Fiona puckers up her lips and he leans in for a kiss, but their bulky outfits prevent it. They let out a huge breath of air]\nShrek: Oh, my butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit.","Princess Fiona: Just think... a couple more days and we'll be back home in our vermin-filled shack, strewn with fungus, filling with the rotting stench of mud and neglect.\nShrek: Oh, you had me at \"vermin-filled\".\nPrincess Fiona: And, uh.. maybe even the pitter-patter of little feet on the floor?\nShrek: [laughs] That's right. The swamp rats are spawning.\nPrincess Fiona: Uh, no... you know, what I was thinking of is a little bigger then a swamp rat.\nShrek: Donkey?\nPrincess Fiona: No, Shrek. Um... what if..\nShrek: Yeah?\nPrincess Fiona: They were little ogre feet.","Snow White: [in sing-song voice] It's present time!","Queen Lillian: Ladies, let go of your petty complaints and let's work together.","Snow White: So I guess the plan is we just wander aimlessly in this stinkhole until we rot.\nPrincess Fiona: No, we're gonna get inside and find out what Charming's up to.","Princess Fiona: [turns to Snow White's present] Who's this one from?\nSnow White: I got you the biggest one because I love you the most.\nPrincess Fiona: [reads the card] \"Have one on me. Love, Snow White.\"\n[she pulls the string, opening the box to reveal a dwarf]\nPrincess Fiona: \"Um, what is it?\nSnow White: [laughs] He's a live-in babysitter.\nNanny Dwarf: Where's the baby?\nPrincess Fiona: You're too kind, Snow, but I can't accept this.\nSnow White: Think nothing of it. I've got six more at home.\nPrincess Fiona: What does he do?\nCinderella: The cleaning.\nSnow White: The feeding.\nNanny Dwarf: The burping.","Princess Fiona: What are Shrek and I supposed to do?\nRapunzel: Well, now you'll have plenty of time to work on your marriage.\nPrincess Fiona: Gee, thanks Rapunzel, and what's that suppose to mean?\nRapunzel: Oh, come on now, Fiona. You know what happens.\n[Cinderella prods Sleeping Beauty]\nSleeping Beauty: [wakes up] Huh? You're tired all the time.\nSnow White: You'll start letting yourself go.\nGingy: Stretch marks.\nRapunzel: Say goodbye to romance.\n[Dragon nods in agreement]\nPrincess Fiona: Um sorry... but how many of you have kids?\nDoris: She's right. A baby is only gonna strengthen the love that Shrek and Fiona have. How did Shrek react when you told him? Tell me!\nPrincess Fiona: Well, when he first found out, Shrek said...\n[get interrupted when Dragon alerts them]","Queen Lillian: Excuse me. Old lady coming through.","Snow White: [pacing back and forth] Have we had just stayed put like I suggested, we could be sipping tea out of little heart-shaped cups...\nCinderella: [scrubbing the floor] Yeah... yeah, heart-shaped cups.\nSnow White: And eating crumpets smothered with loganberries.\nCinderella: Yeah... loganberries.\nSnow White: [stops pacing] Shut up, Cindy.\nCinderella: Yeah, shut up.\nCinderella's Reflection: No, *you* shut up.\nCinderella: Just stay out of this.\nSnow White: Who cares who's \"running the kingdom\" anyway?\nPrincess Fiona: *I* care.\nQueen Lillian: And you all should care, too.","Cinderella: [walking through the sewers] Oh, this place is filthy. I feel like a hobo.","Snow White: Everybody stay calm. We're all gonna die!","Shrek: Oh, Arthur! Come out, come out wherever your are!\n[a thud is heard twice, Donkey angrily bursts out of the locker]\nDonkey: Yeah, you better run, you little punk no-goodniks! 'Cause the days of little Donkey Dumpy Drawers are over!"]